Venus theory

A successful team must contain at least one Venus player, i.e. a player with at least five of the following traits:

• Self-aggrandisement
• Properties typically associated with a member of the Greek pantheon of Gods, particularly artistry or physical beauty
• Prepared to fight like a wild boar protecting her piglets
• Displays some female-like body movements during a game (with or without the ball)
• Wears his football socks above the knee or just under the knee with the tops rolled up
• Uses precise or elaborate hair removal techniques
• Cover model for a fashion magazine (for women or men)
• A tendency to dramatic gestures and reactions
• Is able to do things in a game that others simply cannot do or would never think of doing
• Has a slight tendency to miss important penalties

Equally, a successful team must never contain more than three such players*.

*This number is hotly debated in scientific circles. The Lisbon-Madrid-Rio Movement regard three as a minimum requirement. The Berlin-Vienna Group led by the highly-respected Prof. Ochs von Kuhdamm insist on a maximum of two, while British researchers in Oxford and Edinburgh claim one as an ideal. In a presentation entitled “Venus players – lifeline or luxury?” at the recent 3rd International Congress of Football Theorists in Stockholm, a Moscow delegation suggested that Venus Players are actually unnecessary. Their proposal was, however, widely rejected by their peers due to a lack of clear evidence.

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