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M: “Remember when we used to play for Berggasse?”
A: “How could I forget? My agent told me they discussed base salaries and performance bonuses with him before I signed but mostly wanted to talk about his childhood. Should have known things would be different there.”
M: “My first day we had a morning session with warm-up sprints and passing exercises, then we worked on set pieces and specific tactics for the game on Saturday. We spent the afternoon session trying to draw out the deterministic forces working in the unconscious and analysing whether experiences of isolation as young adolescents might be affecting our expected goals ratio.”
A: “Bet that was more helpful than the halftime talks, though. Remember those?”
M: “Oh, yeah, never enjoyed them. You want to rehydrate and focus on tactical instructions, not interpret a series of abstract inkblots put together by the match analyst based on your first-half performance.”
A: “And what about the manager, eh?”
M: “Never got to know him. The only time we really spoke was after I got that red card for violent conduct. Called me into his office the next day to talk about my attitude…my professionalism…my thoughts on the id, ego and superego model of the human psyche.”
A: “You got off lightly. And you’d long gone by the time of my penalty incident.”
M: “What penalty incident?”
A: “We’re 1-0 down in the cup when the ref gives us a spot kick in the 90th minute. The ground’s all wet, so I slipped on the run-up and missed. Thought maybe I had the wrong boots on, but the manager blamed an unwillingness to confront my repressed emotions.”
M: “All the time I was there, you know, I never dared dream I’d make something of myself.”
A: “Yeah, we were still too young and lacked self-confidence.”
M: “Nah, it wasn’t that. You know how it was. If you dreamed of future glory, you’d have to spend hours on the physio table analysing those dreams for explicit or latent symbolism. No time for that when you’ve hair appointments and promo work for sponsors.”
A: “True. Another pint?”
M: “Yeah, don’t mind if I do.”
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