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BENEDICK
Lady Beatrice, have you wept all this while?
BEATRICE
Yea, and I will weep a while longer.
BENEDICK
I will not desire that.
BEATRICE
You have no reason; I do it freely.
BENEDICK
Surely I do believe your fair cousin is wronged by the referee.
BEATRICE
Ah, how much might the man deserve of me that would right her!
BENEDICK
Is there any way to show such friendship?
BEATRICE
A very even way, but no such friend.
BENEDICK
May a man do it?
BEATRICE
It is a man’s office, but not yours.
BENEDICK
I do love nothing in the world so well as you: is
not that strange?
BEATRICE
As strange as the thing I know not. It were as
possible for me to say I loved nothing so well as
you: but believe me not; and yet I lie not; I
confess nothing, nor I deny nothing. I am sorry for my cousin.
BENEDICK
By my boots, Beatrice, thou lovest me.
BEATRICE
Do not swear, and eat it.
BENEDICK
I will swear by it that you love me; and I will make
him eat it that says I love not you.
BEATRICE
Will you not eat your word?
BENEDICK
With no sauce that can be devised to it. I protest
I love thee.
BEATRICE
Why, then, God forgive me!
BENEDICK
What offence, sweet Beatrice?
BEATRICE
You have stayed me in a happy hour: I was about to
protest I loved you.
BENEDICK
And do it with all thy heart.
BEATRICE
I love you with so much of my heart that none is
left to protest.
BENEDICK
Come, bid me do any thing for thee.
BEATRICE
Appeal the decision.
BENEDICK
Ha! not for the wide world.
BEATRICE
You kill me to deny it. Farewell.
BENEDICK
Tarry, sweet Beatrice.
BEATRICE
I am gone, though I am here: there is no love in
you: nay, I pray you, let me go.
BENEDICK
Beatrice,–
BEATRICE
In faith, I will go.
BENEDICK
We’ll be friends first.
BEATRICE
You dare easier be friends with me than fight with mine enemy.
BENEDICK
Is the referee thine enemy?
BEATRICE
Is he not approved in the height a villain, that
hath slandered, scorned, dishonoured my kinswoman? O
that I were a man! What, bear her in hand until they
whistle for a foul; and then, with public
accusation, uncovered slander, unmitigated rancour,
–O God, that I were a man! I would demand a formal hearing
in the market-place.
BENEDICK
Hear me, Beatrice,–
BEATRICE
Denial of an obvious goalscoring opportunity! A proper saying!
BENEDICK
Nay, but, Beatrice,–
BEATRICE
Sweet Hero! She is wronged, she is slandered, she is undone.
BENEDICK
Beat–
BEATRICE
Referees and linesmen! Surely, a referee’s testimony,
a goodly decision, thrall of VAR; a sweet gallant,
surely! O that I were a man for his sake! or that I
had any friend would be a man for my sake! But
manhood is melted into courtesies, valour into
compliment, and men are only turned into tongue, and
trim ones too: he is now as valiant as Hercules
that only tells a lie and swears it. I cannot be a
man with wishing, therefore I will die a woman with grieving.
BENEDICK
Tarry, good Beatrice. By this hand, I love thee.
BEATRICE
Use it for my love some other way than swearing by it.
BENEDICK
Think you in your soul the referee hath wronged Hero?
BEATRICE
Yea, as sure as I have a thought or a soul.
BENEDICK
Enough, I am engaged; I will challenge him. I will
kiss your hand, and so I leave you. By this hand,
the referee shall render me a dear account. As you
hear of me, so think of me. Go, comfort your
cousin: I must say she is facing a three-match ban: and so, farewell.
Exeunt
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