This began as an article reviewing my predictions for EURO 2016, but logic and precedence insisted on first writing an article making those predictions. Damn.
Winner:
Brain says France, heart says England, rest of me is screaming Iceland, because their squad includes the God Thor.
Players to watch:
Curious to see who makes their mark on the proverbial big stage. Will Dele Alli, Pogba and co. bound up the EURO stairs, or find themselves sifting through their junk mail as they wait for the lift to open?
Always look forward to Ronaldo, the ultimate Venus player – a veritable Zeus of a man, bending reality and fate to his will (provided he’s fit).
And hopefully Thor will get a game, perhaps even steal Ronaldo’s thunder?
England’s chances?
Good. Tempered by the knowledge that optimism where England is concerned usually precedes deep disappointment (see just about every major tournament of the last couple of decades).
Slightly concerned at the absence of pirates in the squad. But that same squad may finally make the much-needed break from the bland underperformance of the past. Not being treated as one of the clear favourites might help.
Austria’s chances?
Not bad in the group, but after? The Alpine bus has wobbled recently, taking the curve too fast and leaving passengers looking nervously at their watches.
With a significant lack of pirates and Venus players, they’ll have to rely on more obscure factors like tactics, fitness and skill to progress far. Hope they do progress far.
Soft spot for:
Wales, thanks to a genetic connection and imagining just how motivated Gareth Bale is. Suspect his heart may swell up to consume the entire Stade de Bordeaux, eventually forming a new Madrid district to the south of Villaverde.
Most looking forward to:
- Filling the void between the end of the Champions League and the start of the Europa League
- The knowledge that the question “is there any football on TV tonight?” will almost certainly return a “yes” response
- A cold beer down the pub with friends watching two teams we have no emotional connection with, then getting emotionally connected to one team, leading to either inexplicable heartbreak or joy at the result
- A cold beer at home in the company of my boys and sprawled before the TV
- One of those 4-4 knockout games that ends in penalty shootout despair
- Discovering how good some players/teams are that I’ve never seen
- A nice upset
- A few handbags of the kind we “don’t like to see”, but do like to see
- An old-school red card or two involving an unrepentant shaven-headed defender (but no injuries)
- Goals where you wonder how they were even possible
- The faces on players as they walk from the halfway line to take a penalty in the shootout
- Stories, emotions and the thin line between triumph and tragedy (and more cold beer)
Least looking forward to:
- TV coverage featuring French stereotypes, most notably baguettes, berets and strings of onions
- In fact, TV coverage drawing on any national stereotypes. Hoping the Germans score no tap-ins to win 1-0, so we are spared comments about “teutonic efficiency”
- One of those 4-4 knockout games that ends in penalty shootout despair, where the commentator goes “neither team deserves to lose” or “football is the real winner”
- England losing on penalties in the quarter-finals (unless the game ends 4-4)
- A small team holding their own against a giant in the knockout phase, but being beaten by a late goal (possibly with a poor refereeing decision thrown in)
- The faces on players as they walk from the halfway line to take a penalty in the shootout
That nervous tingling is back – it’s a big tournament, it’s summer and the air smells of hope, fear and anticipation. Roll on kick off.
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