New manager Lex Luthor’s main task will be to address the chronic over-confidence that has led to so many last-minute defeats for a club rich in talent, but lacking in team spirit and silverware.
“Part of the problem is that just as we seem to be in an unassailable position, one or more players insist on revealing our entire game plan to the opposition,” noted Luthor at the pre-game press conference.
He also confirmed a variety of measures to combat the squad’s appalling disciplinary problems. “I’m quite happy to give Sauron’s place to the Witch King of Angmar if he gets another stupid red card for refusing to remove his jewelry.”
Sauron’s midfield colleague The Thing is another key disciplinary worry, despite his ability to avoid an early bath by continually changing shirt number – he has now racked up 25 yellow cards in eight games.
Off the field, Luthor has already begun establishing his authority in a dressing room rife with player power. Counts Dracula and Orlok find themselves banished to the bench after missing a 3 pm kick-off last weekend, claiming they were only prepared to play midweek European matches. Their place in defence is taken by a dementor, equally adept at sucking the life out of any attack, and Tutankhamen’s Tomb, who rarely allows an opening without dire consequences for the opposition striker.
These two are ably protected by Sauron and Money in defensive midfield, the latter always a big influence on the game. The Dark Side, constantly looking to turn his opponent, and the unpredictable Thing are charged with creating the chances for Deadshot, whose 1:1 shots-to-goals ratio keeps him top of the scoring charts.
Latest injury news:
The Alien Queen has recovered from the nasty cut that saw her opponent lose a foot and half a leg last week. She is expected to play on the left or right wing (depending on whichever side Loki is currently taking).
Current job vacancies:
• Kit manager
• Assistant kit manager
• Mental trainer